"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

-Jack Handy

Friday, March 7, 2014

Weeners, Wall Outlets and Canadian Wankers

What it do peeps?  If you're wondering where I've been, I too would like an answer.  I've been busier than a whorehouse on nickel night with seemingly nothin to show for it! I've had so many people lately ask when the next post will be...I just need like 3 extra hours each day that don't involve two screaming kids, obsessive never-ending questions about fascia and soffit and other house terms I don't understand, and the regular work, drive, cook, shower schedule of a normal day.  I miss blogging, after all over sharing is my catharsis. Well, ok over sharing and drinking. Ok, over sharing, drinking and consuming mass quantities of sugar. Over sharing, drinking, copious amounts of sugar, cussing, and...I think I've lost focus.
Back to what's been going on,  Drum roll please... the boys have found their penis!  Now every time we change a diaper we do the obligatory wiener check that consists of them making sure its still there, followed by a giant smile and me singing "Its my wiener, and I love it cause its my very own and I take it with me everywhere I go...etc."  (I can hardly wait to sing it to them when they are in high school!  I'm gunna be the most popular mom EVER.)  The unfortunate part is when Hatcher gets his tubby little claw corralling his worm and instead gets a handful of poo that he then smears on everything that shouldn't have poo on it. Like me.

In less penisy news, the boys have been sitting up like champs and eating solid foods. Hatcher particularly loves peaches:

Excuse me, do I have chicken on my face?
We literally had to suck chicken out of Jet's nose.  Delicious.

Meanwhile, the boys have also been teething, at the same damn time.  Jet just wants to be held 24/7, but Hatcher...for a full 48 hours he made baby gear rain...tossing all bottles, pacis and toys in his immediate vicinity with the gusto and uncanny strength of Hulk Hogan.  No amount of Tylenol, Anbesol, teething tablets or frozen teething rings were gunna make this kid happy...

"Whatcha gunna do mother, when Hatchermania runs wild on you?"   

We've also been building a house.  I recommend this process to no one.  My gosh, everyday is decision after decision of how many wall outlets and where should we put this drain and pipe and what kind of valve and color of hardware...and can you have an answer in 4 hours that you must live with forever, and also be an expert on things like Direct TV and also bring a check for one billion dollars.  I guess dealing with infertility issues, a few rounds of IVF, time in the NICU, and raising twins while working full time jobs isn't really stressful enough... We really like to test our marriage by adding another layer of shit. Luckily, I can be calmed by beer and chocolate and Evan with ice cream.  Stocked fridge = fantastic marriage.  You're welcome, I do counseling for free...

In my fleeting moments of free time (also known as time I should be doing laundry) I catch up an facebook.  I have an awesome friend (shout out to John Gyllin) who posted a lovely article on my page.  Short story- upon learning the captain of his flight was a female, this man, David, left a note on a napkin saying this:
 I feel the need to weigh in...
I have read the pilot handled it pretty professionally, good for her!  I would not have.  I likely would have stormed off the plane, down the concourse to find this lame ass individual.  I then would have taken out my whisky filled flask and thrown it in his face all Beverly Hills housewives style and shoved this napkin down his throat. Next I would have taken my confiscated box cutter, bent his ass over and castrated him to ensure he doesn't procreate a whole nuther generation of fucking morons. Then I would have shouted "I just went all Deuteronomy 23:1 on your ass...so suck it"...flipped my hair and walked off.
Deuteronomy 23:1 states that "No one whose testicles are cut off or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord." 
Later, after loosing my job and having an excessive amount of time on my hands, I would have sent him a letter...similar to this:
Dear David,

I see that you've sighted Proverbs 31 as your "proof" that women shouldn't fly airplanes...
This thing called the Bible, you aren't doing it right. Let me first say, I'm not a bible literalist. I believe Scripture is a product of the time it was written and the cultural contexts of that time don't coincide with modern day sensibilities.  Therefore, we should keep in mind that perspectives have changed (case and point, women are no longer property) and the message should be adjusted to coincide with today and the very basic understanding of equal rights. 
But for the sake of argument...I read this verse and took it word for word.  I happen to find it very supportive of women flying an "aeroplane".... (however I'm sure a man of this era would describe an aircraft as "God's wrath casting down a monstrously loud mass of thunder and fire that defied all logic and must be carried on the wings of angels..." or something of that nature.)

The following is Proverbs 31...the red text is my take:

 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.
2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!
3 Do not spend your strength[a] on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.
4 It is not for kings, Lemuel- it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer,
5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
6 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish!
7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.
8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
9 Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.
King Lemuel/probably king Solomon (also a polygamist, jus sayin) according to scholars...your mommy says not to drink and not to get too involved with a women because she wants to be your one and only.  But more importantly, judge fairly and be righteous... judging someone on their sex, race, color, religion, etc. is wrong.  Because just like your mama is telling you what to do ol' king.... everyone knows a woman runs this shit...at home and in the flight deck.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Damn straight
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
He is confident she can fly a plane, or do whatever else she chooses
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She lands safely
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
Eager to learn and maintain currency while sittin on the wool covered left seat, no doubt
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
Hello!  She's always in foreign countries bringing her man gifts, cause she FLYS THE PLANE THERE
15 She gets up while it is still night;   For the Red Eye she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. Scratch that servant part...but she provides, with a paycheck, from the airline
16 She considers a field and buys it; Air-field? out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. Wine after hours (24 hrs bottle to throttle I'm positive)
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She's on that shit...and strong enough to pump the gear down in the event of a failure
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
She's good at it...she stays up to study the latest changes in the FAR/AIM
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
I don't know what the hell this is, but it sounds a lot like the yoke or stick
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
She even shakes the hands of the passengers in coach
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
Icy runways are no problemo- she works with professional flight attendants as well (both sexes)
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
AKA her Captain uniform...and wears it like a boss.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Her hubs is no dummy, but even he knows who rules the roost, and it aint the old dudes (I might have taken some slight liberties with that one)
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She's not just a pilot, she is an excellent gift giver, among other things
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She pities a fool ....like David.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
"Jet 1234Romeo, cleared Little Rock as filed, runway heading, 4,000 expect 10,000 10 minutes after, departure freq 124.65 and squawk 2341."
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Aint nobody got time fo dat
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Jesus is my co-pilot
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Don't leave her nasty grams on a cocktail napkin you stupid bastard...she just brought your ass to the arrival gate safe and sound.

That's whats up David. 
And I'm sorry about your balls and not getting into heaven and all.

Respectfully in Love (because this saying negates all of the negative things I've just said),


Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas fear and Christmas cheer!

I can hardly contain my excitement for the years to come!  I think having kids will make Christmas so much fun I can hardly stand it!  But this year….man, is it just me or did Christmastime sneak up on us?  I mean one minute it was 75 degrees outside and the next it was Holy Ice storm/you have exactly 10 days until Christmas, aaaaand start shopping…..NOW.  I enjoy the act of giving…but the act of Christmas shopping does seem more daunting than exciting every year.  It can be real work trying to find a gift for someone else…and really, how much of us actually NEED things?  I admit, I don’t NEED a single thing.  The only thing I can think of that I have truly wholeheartedly wished for…I mean wanted so badly…prayed for and thought about daily…the only single thing in my entire life that I consciously asked for and thought I couldn’t live without…I have.  In fact, I have 2 of them!  I still have to pinch myself when I think about it!  So my Christmas list isn’t very long this year, I’m just trying to enjoy the new experiences that babies bring to holidays. 

Once such experience: the boys met Santa last weekend!  We ventured to the Clinton Library, where they kept it a nippy 10,000 degrees inside and the boys got to sit on Santa’s lap for exactly 3.5 seconds.  Overall I think they were unimpressed, but none the less, we got a photo!  Well, I prefer to call it their “Very Merry Christmas Mug Shot.”  It’s as if Santa and 2 twins were busted for breaking into a convenience store in an attempt to rob the place of its cookies and milk.  Here are the 3 newly booked inmates:

I mean seriously Santa…I might not expect 2 six month olds to crack a smile during their nap time, but you couldn’t give me anything?  I wonder what they all were thinking? 
A few random notions:

Other new experiences this month? Jet thinks blowing raspberries is tha shit. He spits so much he's like a snail leaving a trail of saliva in his wake that could wrap around our house no less than 7 times.  Hatcher on the other hand lives his life like he's on an imaginary roller coaster, gleefully screaming at the top of his damn lungs ALL DAMN DAY LONG.  Its adorable after about 4 beers. The boys also had a Christmas photo shoot with friend and photographer Jason Burt.  Jet only cried 92% of the time...success!  Luckily he is a professional and got a few good shots of them both! I took photos of the photos he took...Jason Burt photography photos are denoted with "***", like the following:


This year, I found myself very hopeful at the beginning of the season.  But I must admit, I've lost some of my joy.  I have decided to let it go...let them haters hate...and focus on these 3 all important things:
1) The future and how happy two little boys are going to make us
2) Counting my many, many blessings
3) Alcohol consumption

I have written a poem.  While it is based on real persons, their actions and illegal activity are purely fictional.  No one was hurt in the writing of this poem.

  Twas the Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, at the McGrew’s house
my martini I was stirring, and it needed a douse
of a bit more vodka so that I wouldn’t care,
That tonight my whole family soon would be there.

We had mopped all the floors and made up each of the beds,
while holiday expectations filled up our heads.
Me in my sweat pants with my cat in my lap,
I could finally relax while the twins took their nap.

When from the garage arose such a clatter,
I heaved from my couch to see what was the matter.
         “Don’t wake the babies!” I ran in a dash    

 spilling my drink and fueling my rash.

 I heard slamming car doors parked out in the snow
An Audi, a
Toyota and a dinged up Bronco.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
my whole friggin family and grams bringin up the rear.

Here come the parents sliding on the slick
pavement beneath them – they shuffled so quick.
Mom cussing grandma while up the driveway she came,
Grandma bitching about something…she’s such a happy dame.

With their gifts piled high they showed up at Vixen,
and I thought to myself “did I fill my prescription?”
They made their way inside pushing me up against the wall
I could already tell tonight would be a ball!"

Grandma looked at the feast and said with a sigh,
Who made this shit?  You call that pumpkin pie?
I rolled my eyes and to the bathroom I flew,
locked myself inside with a bottle of vodka or two.

I considered escaping through the window to the roof
but decided my best option was to down this 40 proof.
I calmed my nerves and thought, I must turn Christmas around,
cheer everyone up before our problems compound!

I announced to my family, “I put down my foot,
Our old Christmas traditions have now gone kaput!”
My disgruntled family didn’t dare talk back
they just stared at me wildly, like I was on crack.

I grabbed shot glasses and rum flavored in cherry

an ice luge, a funnel and tequila that will make any chest hairy!
Evan found some shrooms that he used to grow
He fed them to Grandma and she didn’t even know.

At first she just smiled, baring her pearly white teeth,
stuck out her hand and introduced herself to my wreath.
Suddenly like a stripper, Grandma was rolling her belly,
then she grabbed her ankles and twerked that ass like it was made from pure jelly!

Dad found the whiskey and kept it all for himself,
He roared in laughter while doing lewd things to our elf on the shelf…
Evan smoked something that messed with his head,
 He snuggled the roast turkey while lying in the dog’s bed.

I thought to myself, this just might work,
 I sure hope tomorrow they don’t call me a jerk.
 Meanwhile mom, with her boxed wine in tow,
had retreated to the nursery her favorite place to go.

Everyone was happy, nothing left to bristle
So I shot back to my couch as fast as a missile!
I grabbed my martini and smiled with delight 
Merry Christmas to all, I hope yours is tight.
Now on to the counting my blessings part!
Let the counting commence:

On the first day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, a brand new family.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 toothless grins

These Guys!!!!  ***

And a brand new family

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 cans of formula a week

(Sweet bibs courtesy of Jill & Josh Mayes) We love them!
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 loads of never ending laundry

I might have a laundry problem because I freaking LOVE unnecessary accessories!
8 cans of formula a week
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 finger and toe nails to clip…twice…while you act like I’m murdering you
9 loads of never ending laundry
8 cans of formula a week
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 excessive places for a baby to sit

What's that adult friend? You would like a place a to sit?....
10 finger and toe nails to clip…twice…while you act like I’m murdering you
9 loads of never ending laundry
8 cans of formula a week
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 daily diaper changes
11 excessive places for a baby to sit 
10 finger and toe nails to clip…twice…while you act like I’m murdering you
9 loads of never ending laundry
8 cans of formula a week
7 months of pure exhaustion
6 weeks worth of NICU bills
5 screaming VACCINATIONS
4 tiny fist-fulls of my hair
3 shirts daily smeared with spit up…
2 toothless grins
And a brand new family

Merry Christmas to all!!!! ***

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Confessions of Bad Parent

Hey blog.  What’s new?  I’ve missed you.

I’ve sat at my computer a few times and thought about writing you, but I never had the words.  I don’t do anything anymore accept baby.  Baby baby baby.  And I’m a lot of things, but a mommy blogger is NOT one of them.  Or am I?  Shit.  I am.  (Confession numero uno…sigh)  I never wanted to be.  I hated reading blogs about family crap prior to having a family.  But look at me now!  I do all of the cliché crap that I never thought I would I do, and some of it I actually enjoy...(gasp!) WTH?!  So here goes nothing.  Confessions over the last few months:

2) At times, my kids can be cantankerous.
Holy shit my kids are assholes! Some days are diamonds, others go like this: The two little creeps start by waking me up via screaming “Feed me! Feed me!” They have no patients.  After feeding them, Jet projectile vomits that shit right back out …all over EVERYTHING.  I literally had to clean milk out of his belly button.  Then they fuss though errands, scream through lunch, fight sleep at naptime, simultaneously scream and cry for attention and Hatcher has a molten lava shit explosion out the side of his diaper that I’m sure he purposely smears all over his new outfit.  Somehow he had poop in his pockets…how is that possible???  Assholes.

It’s a good damn thing that when I walk into their room in the mornings the crying instantly turns to smiles and giggles and when I pick them up they act all happy and look at me all cute and adoring and smile so big that it breaks my heart into thousands of pieces with their adorableness.  Adorable little Assholes.

3) I was a moaner.
This one hurts to admit.  I swore during the birthing process that I wouldn’t be one of those women who vocalized through the whole labor process.  I mean, shut your trap ladies, you sound gross.  But on that fateful night…Evan’s Birthday at 4am…my water broke at 32 weeks.  Ev roamed the house rubbing the back of his head in confusion while disoriented by me yelling at him to hurry the heck up so we could get to the hospital already!  There they gave me some medicine that didn’t seem to manage my pain, but did give me a head change….for conversation sake, Ill call this medicine “shrooms.”  I felt out of control, dizzy, strange… I apologized to everyone I saw.  I was sure I was a big birthing burden, put on the earth to irritate everyone in my path.  I was transported to UAMS via ambulance (for the NICU) and it felt super trippy.  I apologized to the MEMs guy the entire time. Meanwhile the contractions where in full swing and the shrooms weren’t letting my brain stop my mouth from moaning in pain!  My sober self was mortified.  It was like being awake and paralyzed during surgery, I couldn’t stop it!  I just remember rolling from side to side and groaning in horror from childbirth (such a blessing- recommend it to everyone!  4 stars!) I recall the nurses and anesthesiologists saying, “for goodness sake give her something!”  But they couldn’t because I wasn’t officially checked in yet…bummer!  Then Evan, poor poor Evan, walked up and said to me “You need to calm down.”  Then Satan himself ripped his way out of my soul, snapped me into sober submission, turned my head and in my most demonic voice said to him “you better Shut The FUCK UP.” Then Evan disappeared.  So did Satan.  The epidural arrived.  Evan returned. And a beautiful birthing experience took place!  The End.

4) I’ve said things that I can’t take back.
A few days ago, the perfect storm arose.  I was home alone with the boys who were perfecting their new favorite skill, fighting sleep!  (They don’t need no stinkin nap, they might miss something!  Instead they roll around on their play mats whining and howling for attention that doesn’t ever appease them when they are overly tired.  This soon escalates into full blown meltdown screaming-crying mode until they finally give it up already, and sleep.)  They were in the living room in the tandem tantrum playoffs while I was in the kitchen trying my damndest to make a “quick” cake.  Evan was late coming home, I had a headache and I hadn’t eaten in what felt like 20 hours.  The boys were screaming, cake batter was flying, my phone was buzzing, my head was pounding, the boys kept screaming, the voices in my head were plotting revenge on my husband, my stomach was growling, the boys were screaming…then my mom called.  All I could say was “I HATE MY CHILDREN.  FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I HATE THEM.  IM ABOUT TO FIND THE NEAREST NEIGHTBOR THAT IS HOME AND LEAVE THEM THERE… I HATE THEM.”  Turns out all I needed was some Tylenol and Pizza.  Then I felt great!  And terrible!  Because I don’t hate them….I love them!  But now those words are out there in the universe and I can’t ever get them back.  Ooh the guilt!  I’m no longer up for that mother of the year award I guess.

5) My cursing has not stopped….In fact, it might be is worse.
I cuss.  A lot.  Sue me.  I know it’s unbecoming.  I know it doesn’t make me appear intelligent or classy.  It’s a vice.  But for some reason it relieves stress for me somehow to name these awful words.  Sometimes I just can’t adequately describe something without them.  They provide a certain je ne sais quoi to an expression….  Also I’m around people who cuss, and that just further compounds my problem.  My point is, I know I’m around little ears now and unless I want Jet wake up and say “Mornin bitch, hows about you get me some motherf*ckin Cheerios,” I should probably put a lid on it.  

But it’s so damn hard!  What is the proper response when you hold a baby up and he pukes all over your face and down your shirt?  My logical response is “Holy shit balls beefcake, that was f*cking fantabulous.”  Luckily for now they don’t know better, in fact I can cuss them all day long and they think it’s great!  But I might need a mommy muzzle soon…

Hatcher and Mommy’s morning conversation:
Me: “Hatcher you smell like poop, did you poop?”
Hatch: Blank stare.  Drool.
Me: “Yes you poo…holy shit, you crapped all over the swing!!!  And it’s all over you! Son of a bitch!”
Hatch: Confused look (at the way in which I am carrying him to the changing table)
Me: “Mother of Moses child it is literally in between your toes! How the hell am I going to get this off of you!?”  (Attempting to raise onesie over his head without spreading poop on his face)
Hatch: *Giggle*
Me: “Are you laughing at this?  You’re covered in shit!”
Hatch: *Giggle*Giggle*
(I lift it over his head while making face)
Hatch: Belly laughs. 
Spreads shit with feet snow angel style. 
Squeals with delight
Me: “Fuuuuuuuuck”

Sit there and judge me all you want folks, but I tell you there is no other way to handle this situation.

6) I love choking hazards!
I probably shouldn’t reveal this to the public.  I realize I am opening myself up to all sorts of judgements by all of the perfect parents out there... But until you have raised twins that are addicted to pacifiers, I don’t want your advice.  In fact, even if you have, I probably don’t want it then either because this totally works for us!  Yes, I am aware I can cut the end of a binky to make them not work anymore…but sucking provides comfort to a baby and it also helps prevent Sids.  I do plan on breaking them of this habit, but not today.  Until then I will continue to be a terrible parent and strap shit to their face.  They scream for this thing people!  I do however only permit the “silence of the lamb mask” as we call it, to be used while we are in the room with them physically watching and while they are awake.  What’s that, I’m back in the running for mother of the year???!!!

Chillin' out maxin relaxin all cool

7) Its really not bad.
Here it is I’ve spent this entire blog bitching about how awful these boys can be, but in reality, twins aren’t half bad!  (Ha! Bad twin joke!)  They really are just sweet, well behaved boys.  I’ve never been the mommy of a singleton so I m not sure what its like, but we stick to our schedule and make due in our crowded little house with two of everything!  They sleep through the night and are reaching their milestones for their adjusted ages.  They smile at each other and snuggle at nights, especially now that it’s so cold!  They both babble up a storm, most mornings sound like a zoo with all of the squeals and grunting.  Oh, and farting. Hatcher squawks so loud, I'm 96.4% sure he was a seagull in his past life. 

It’s hard to believe they will be 6 months old in a few days! Its hard to believe that after 2 years of trying and praying that they are finally here.  Its hard to believe that I could love something THIS much...and TWICE!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Letter for the future: Answering the age old question...

I knew from the moment I saw him...  He had a throbbing brain, a swollen bank account and the tiny hands of a demure, giggly Guatemalan man....I knew...he would get me pregnant. 

(Well, him or the type A Greek guy who donned sweet dad jeans. Or possibly even the disheveled chubby guy that sported a cop stach' and a confused look about him.)

Yes children, I'm sure you have many questions around the subject of where babies come from.  Well fear no more, let mom tell you how this all went down.

The first thing you need to know about babies, is that to have one you need the following:
1) A Saturday evening alone with your 16 year old girlfriend and the distinct desire to NOT get her pregnant
1) Good insurance
2) A stash of cash (start saving your allowance now)
3) A large supply of shots for your wife and the confidence to jab her with them
4) A friend and neighbor who will help her grow eggs when you can not
5) A very long prayer chain of friends and family

Mommy and Daddy checked off this list and after these categories where met, mom traveled to a clinic in Little Rock.  Here she handed over large sums of money in exchange for drugs that made her act crazy, buckets of her blood for testing and lots of probes, needles and medical jargon about sperm count, IUI, IVF and infertility.  It was like taking a vacation, but without the fun, sun tan and umbrella drinks.  Eventually the Guatemalan man told mom it was time to stop fooling around and get down to bid-ness.  So one day after preparing her body with viles of drugs, patches, pills and creams, she drove back to the clinic.  There, she was stuck multiple times with needles by multiple people until one of their sorry asses could finally get an Iv started.  She was then rolled back into a dimly lit room and got to work with (as it turns out) the Greek one.  First he put mom to sleep as the baby making process does not feel good.  Then he did his thing while many women participated in the act as well.  All the while a small Asian man named Einstein watched from a closet.  (I shit you not kids, I can't make this stuff up.)  Einstein then took you into his closet and started growing you from tiny eggs and seeds. 

Your first home was a cabinet with a shelf labeled "McGrew" where you slept in a tiny plastic, see-through bed called a petri dish for 3 days.  When your timer went off, mom came back to see the Greek one who would knock her up. Daddy was about 24 miles away at work, but your Grandma was in the room with mom making comments about the Greek one's performance when mom got pregnant.  Next thing you know you are growing in mom's tummy!  While there, you made mommy's life hell.  She puked and felt sleepy and grew to enormous proportions.  You also made her stupid and she would forget important things and do dumb stuff like try to brush her teeth with her stretch mark cream instead of her toothpaste.  You both did this until the day a very sweet Chinese man (who used to drive your mom to school in carpool as a child) pulled you out and slapped your rear ends.  This is the miracle of life.  The End.

(Mad shout out to the multi-cultural and caring Drs, nurses and staff at AR Fertility and Gynecology!  Since you guys are partially responsible for this, you don't mind babysitting, right?)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Where the Hell have I Been??!

Whoa!!!  Calm down there faithful readers of my mindless musings.  I realize that I have been absent the last few months, and that's my bad y'all.  But truth be told, I have some good reasons.  One, I was an emotional sack of hormones and fear while injecting myself with expensive magic baby making potions.  Then my body was taken over by even more hormones and two very demanding parasites that evidently suck out all of the awake time, feel good time, ability to structure a sentence and funny out of my body. It's hard to write a blog when all I want to do is hurl, sleep or cry.  So there was that, and now the fact that my computer has been "upgraded" and will no longer upload photos to this sight...  WTH right?!...blogging has become not so user friendly.  That means I have to upload all of my brilliant illustrating photos from a separate location on a computer that isn't handy.  Boo. 

So now that you all know how difficult my blogging life has become...on to the next topic.  Just in case you didn't get the gist from the first paragraph, or if you didn't know because you recently deactivated your facebook account or because you haven't seen one of my obnoxious parental units in the last 5 months who positively would have told you while flashing sonogram photos and simulationously hopping and clapping like that irrating super-excited girl in your 3rd grade class...I am with twins.

I know pregnancy is a very magical time in most mommy's lives, and they want to share it by posting "my babies progress" reports and sonograms on all social media websites.  The problem with this is A) most people don't care that this week your baby grew a pancreas and B) you're the only person that can tell that there is a fetus in that sonogram photo. 

Therefore, I will not inundate you with these facts and confusing images.  Instead, I will take the guessing game out of the sonogram and just show you what my babies have actually looked like throughout the first trimester.  This is so accurate, it's scary.  Enjoy!

I got pregnant and a ball of cells turned into an embryo, then grew a tail.  My kids are a month old!
Hi Mom!

Next, they grew eyes and intestines...but are still shaped a little funny.  Here they are at 2 months:
Feed me.

They now have internal organs and the beginnings of finger and toe nails....so damn cute at 3 months!
I look like dad!

When I found out that I was in fact pregnant with twins, I received varying reactions.  These are representations of my perception of those reactions:

ME:  "Hey so, um I saw and heard the heart beat today...on both of them..We're having twins!"
Evan's initial and ensuing permanent reaction: 
My friends who already have one or more children:

My parents find out that we will have an instant family:

My guy friends reaction (which was replayed when we found out the sexes):

The majority of strangers react:

So today I am 20 weeks pregnant (that's 5 months for all you people that haven't ever been pregnant and just want to know how many damn months that is damn it!  Like I used to be) They now look like the little boys that they are.  They move around all the time, they must weigh in around 40 pounds each cause I am massive and my back is already killing me, and also, they are brilliant and have already scored a 29 on their ACT.  Here is their latest photo:

Knowing that they are boys, I have received an unsolicited array of input on names.   My dad would like them to be born on the forth of July with "Merican" names, like Mallard and Drake.  My friends Josh and Log have creatively suggested, Josh and Log.  My Grandmothers think that Harold and Ronald would be lovely.  My friend Keri opts for more descriptive names, Pigpen and Dirt-ball.  Also in the mix, Mom thinks the boys should be Wilbur and Orville (aka the Wright brothers) while various other friends think Bert and Ernie or Daryl and my other son Daryl would be smashing.  So many decisions...I have my work cut out for me! 

Until the names are set in stone though- I'm just gunna keep on keeping on...which now consists of one of three main activities: eat, sleep, potty.  I'm like a newborn all over again!  My food requirements have shifted over the past few months however and food groups have been reassigned.  Instead of eating 3 meals a day, I now eat around 75 of them.  I literally eat breakfast twice, then I eat on my way to work, then at my desk at work, then lunch, then twice at my desk at work, then on my way home, then at home about 6 more times.  On Sundays, I'm the one in the choir with the baggie full of dry cheerios munching through "Jesus saves."  Also, I appreciate Communion like a lot more these days.  Here is an illustration of my current food intake: 

Well, now you are all caught up on the boring ins and out of the past 5 months.  I'll try and do better.  Until then, for the love of GOD...have a beer for me!!!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Shit I thought as a kid

As a child I can't say I was entirely inquisitive.  I understood that I didn't understand some things and I was fine with that.  I didn't need to know why the sky was blue, I simply accepted that to be fact and was glad when I saw it.  But by the same token, I didn't really question things that I didn't believe either...I just stored them in my "Nuh-uh" brain file.  Members of this file were creatures like Santa and the tooth fairy.  I was talked to about them, but never really believed in them.  After all, a fat guy coming down a chimney?  In ALL of the houses in the world?  No way.  I just never bought it.  It didn't make since.  But there were some things that I thought to be true because they did just made since....to a six year old.

1)  My mother's name is Karen Margaret Carlisle, my name was Taylor Margaret Carlisle, therefore my dad's name must also be Phillip Margaret Carlisle.

2) Removing the tag from the mattress = mattress police find you = you go to jail.  This must be an inherited fear as my mother also fell prey to this fear as a child.  I wasn't sure if there were mattress police out there, but I damn sure wasn't going to find out.

3) I think this is a common one, I never had proof, but suspected than whenever I left the room, my collection of stuffed monkeys would come alive and had their own lives to lead while I was away.  They argued about who got played with more and took painstaking accuracy to return to the same spot and facial expression of when I left them.  I can recall sneaking up on them and opening my closet door to catch them in the act.  I never did...those sneaky rascals.  Why I believed this and not in Santa, I am not sure.

4)  This counts as riding a bike...

Let Lindsey do all the work... I am an awesome friend.
5) I, like many children (and occasionally my mother) got music lyrics confused.  One such song was Can't hurry love by The Supremes.  I sang that song for years as "Kangaroo love." Also, I was greatly troubled by Prince's U got the look lyric, "Your body's heck-a-slammin" as I was sure it said "your butt is hicker smellin."  I couldn't understand why he wanted to smell her butt or what hicker meant, but it must be bad if you're gunna write a song about it.

6)  This Christmas gift was the most advanced piece of technology that I would ever own.

7) However, by the year 2000 we would all be living like the Jetsons.

8) I was pretty sure that "It" the man eating bathtub drain clown/spider was real.  I would never step on the drain in the tub for fear he would pull me under.  Also, I was pretty sure there was a real loan tremor in one of those sandy states.  Also, there were alligators living in my toilet.  Also, if I stepped on the wood at the bottom of the steps it would awaken Dracula just outside my back door.  Also if I left my closet door open, I was sure to be strangled or stabbed to death by the phantom man who lived in there at night.  (Shout out to Melissa...were we scarred as children?)

Not suitable movies for impressionable children.

9) I was insanely superstitious and slightly OCD.  No walking under ladders, no broken mirrors, no black cats.  If I turned to the right, I had to turn back left to make the universe "right."  If I left a room with a mirror in it, I had to smile into it before I left or went to sleep to make the universe on the other side of the mirror happy.  If you "took my nose" it was an all out battle to get that bitch back...and if you ate it, you could expect me to cry.  I needed that you mother f*cker...gosh!

10)  My biggest dream in life was to lead a parade down my Grandma's street.  I would be the baton twirling majorette leader in front of a marching band that played only German beer drinking music.  Until then, I had to settle with merely participating in the freezing cold Jacksonville Christmas parade, where I would perform a dance.  I thought it was ok to let my Mawmaw dress me for the day's event.  I was wrong.

Mawmaw forgot a key item of clothing...

11) I knew what sex was, but I was very unsure about a penis.  I thought it was either a mound of flesh like on my ken doll, or a thing that was always hard like a stick...but for some reason I was sure it had rings of all different sizes around it.

Which one of these is a penis?

12) I pondered the thought of love.  I ruled it impossible to ever love a boy like I loved my parents and grandparents.  Therefore when I overheard that young family friends were "in love" with their boyfriends, or when teenage actors on TV fell in love, I was highly skeptical.

13) Bloody Mary might show up at our slumber party.  Undoubtedly, every slumber party my elementary friends and I would play "light as a feather, still as a rock."  After the person "magically" floated in air for a few seconds, my friend Emily would say, "lets call Bloody Mary."  We were to face the North and chant her name 3 times, then she should appear.  She never showed. We were sure it was because we couldn't figure out where North was...I was always pretty happy with never knowing where North was.  After all, having a dead bitch crash your slumber party would be a total downer.

This would not have been ok.

14) If police turn on their lights for you, you go to prison.  I remember crying in the back seat of our car when we were returning from a family vacation.  Dad got pulled over for a speeding ticket and I was positive he was going to be taken to jail.  I mean why else would the cops track you down and take your dad out of the car?  I'm pretty sure the cop asked him to step out because I was so distressed...lol.

15) All Glamour Shots made people glamorous....
Clearly not the case. 
Also, why am I dressed in baseball attire?
16)  An effective way to rid yourself of warts was to count them each evening.  Every night of counting would leave you with one less wart than the night before until you ended up with none.  I had a small wart on the heel of my foot that I was obsessed with.  I was convinced that I just wasn't counting right because counting works dammit.  Eventually I had it frozen off...but I was sure if it came back that counting would work for me one day.

17) I was Nancy Drew.  I knew this because I had solved an obvious mystery that no one else had caught on to...  One of my favorite groups "The Boys" put out a sweet tape in the 80s...then they grew up and put out an album in the 90s but changed their name to "Boys to Men."  duh.

18) I've mentioned in previous posts that my mother lied her ass off to me as a child.  But hey, what mom hasn't told a fib or two? 
Stuff mom said:
"That isn't candy, its dog food."
"that ride is broken"
"I have eyes in the back of my head"
"all cars will squish you like a bug" 
"No, your father and I weren't eating ice cream after you went to bed"

While I didn't believe a single one of these, I did understand the meaning of all of them: "don't test me kid" and I believed that.

For the record, there are a number of things I thought as a kid and still believe today:  If I want something bad enough, there is always a way.  Jesus loves me.  I am spoiled by my grandparents.  Coffee is for grown ups.  Don't interrupt adults thay are talking.  Say "please," "thank you," and share your toys.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Friend Profiles: Keri

Uninspired.  That's what I've been when it comes to blogging.  At some point the stories run dry and the humor in this mundane life fades away.  Every time I would sit down and type I would read back a paragraph of gripes and boredom.  It was unexceptional.  I needed to be inspired.  So I decided that I would no longer make this my problem, instead I would place the pressure directly onto someone else's shoulders....that person was Keri Urquhart.

What does the face of inspiration look like?

I told her to put on her thinking cap because I needed a blog idea before October slipped by me.  Keri came back with the enthusiasm of a winner!  She suggested I write a blog about us and famous female duos, "you know like Laverne and Shirley, and Thelma and Louis...and maybe batman and robin, but girls!"  I said "great idea!  Duos, but like, what would it actually be about?"  She said "well I don't know, I'm not creative, geez!"....  So I started thinking, female duos...

Cagney and Lacy
Rachel and Monica
Lucy and Ethel
LiLo and cocaine

Again, I wasn't finding much to say about it.  What I did have something to say about, was my friend and neighbor Keri.  So I decided we will interview each other in my first ever "friend profile."

1) What do you do at work when you are supposed to be working, but aren't?

Keri: "I'm rarely not busy but if I have a few spare minutes I like to do crossword puzzles from the paper (I'm a closet nerd,) Sudoku (but I've never finished one cause I suck at numbers,) Nerf basketball (I'm great at it,) or magnetic darts (I'm also great at that.)

Taylor: "I would never be at work and not be doing very important, masterful work at a diligent and timely pace.  But if I were one of those good for nothing people, I might write a blog, surf the net for random "my e cards," shoot the shit with my boss while texting the random e cards to Keri, Soduku, Mahjong, etc.

2) What are 3 things you have on our "friend bucket list?"

Keri: 1} Tandem skydiving
         2} To get to do a sport event with Taylor like a 5k, bike ride, boot camp etc.
         3} Ride the top 10 world's greatest roller coasters (if you can get past riding the swings at the State Fair this year.)
Taylor's idea of a 5 k

Taylor: 1} Take a sweet ass friend vacation. (preferably one where we wear matching outfits, visors and fanny packs while adopting bad New York accents and different daily aliases.)
           2} Attend the greatest place on earth, aka 6 Flags or the State Fair
           3} host and participate in the annual KT pub crawl.

3) Rate yourself from 1-10 (10 being the best.)  How close to a superhero are you?

Keri: "I rate myself 9.5.  If I could fly, shoot lasers out of my eyes and even remotely look good in a skin tight outfit with a cape, I WOULD be a superhero."

Taylor:  "I'm pretty much a 4.  I can't run real fast or swim real good or stay upright on a bike very long.  Also, I am adamantly opposed to capes and uncomfortable with over muscular women and wholesomeness.  But I am pretty awesome...so yea, a 4."

4) What is it about me that makes you so drawn to me?

Keri: "You make me laugh ALL the time.  You totally get me and accept me.  You talk about gross, nasty things and have a potty mouth.  And you are good at crafts.  OH yeah, you always have beer in your fridge.  Simply because you are awesome."

Taylor: "You are totally game for whatever!  You teach me important life skills like Rock Band and Foosball and Ping Pong.  You make me laugh and take me to Chuck-E-Cheese. You are there when I need a friend, always.  You never say "no" when I say "lets have a beer!"

You are also down to molest Santa in a public place with me

5) If you could change something about me what would it be?

Keri: "I would make it so you could never wear your super high heels around me.  I get a damn neck cramp looking up at you."
(Or I can force you to try on and walk around in giant heels with me!  Yay!)

Taylor: "I would make you uninterested in running a marathon or "something" k with me as I cannot run.  I'm not in the business of crushing dreams Keri...why must you make me do this to you time after time?"

6) If we were animals, what would we be?

Keri: "Monkeys, because they are silly and funny.  I think I could hang out with a monkey all day and be entertained.  Also, we could fling poop at people and it would be OK because were monkeys and don't know better."

Taylor: "We would be Reindeer.  Why?  Because we are a rare and magical species.  We would totally work for Santa because we all know that's a popularity contest and who wouldn't want to hang out with two moronic Reindeer?  Also, reindeer like to eat Amanita Mushrooms which are a psychoactive fungus.  According to experts, shrooming deer prance around gaily and feel a sensation of flying while they trip out in the forest and that totally sounds like us!"

7) What was your first impression of me vs your impression of me now?

Keri: "First, you were Karen's daughter who was kind of quiet and very nice.  Now, OMG.  I heart you!  But you are not quite or nice- like that one time you made me toilet paper the Whiskers and Davis house."
"Quiet and nice"

Taylor: "Upon meeting you, I assumed you were a newly wed and likely soon to be soccer mom (as I was in college) who was cool to chat with and maybe didn't mind me being around when my mom was.  Now, I see you are clinically insane.  But also, awesome, funny as shit and a loyal friend and I love that!"

8) In Your opinion, whats better than sliced bread?

Keri: "Skinny Cow cheese and triangle shaped Triscuits."
         "And you"
         "And maybe Lime-A-Ritas"

Taylor: "Beer...with my tight ass group of friends...on an island...and the beer is free...and also cookies"
9) Can you write a rap that best describes us?

Keri: "I have a friend named Taylor
who curses like a Sailor
and is fun as can be.
Shes cute as a doll
and will go to the mall
and pick out clothes for me.
Shes afraid of fish in the lake
but makes a great cake
I could hang with her all day.
We have more fun
than anyone
all and all I say shes okay."

Taylor: To the tune "Aint nuthin but a G thing"

Taylor: One, two, three and to the fo'
            Taylor Mc-G and Ka-Keri are at the do'
            Ready to make an entrance, so back on up
Keri:   (Cause you know we 'bout had to rip shit up)
Taylor:  Some folks think we crazy, we’re a team, yea a double
            2 Vixen Trail bitches together, now you know you in trouble
            Ain't nothin' but a Jville thang, baaaaabay!
            Two 30ish year olds and we're craaaaazay!
            Mic Ultra is the label that slaaaaays me!
            Unfadable, so please don't try to fade this

Keri:    (Hell yeah)

Taylor:  But, uh, back to the rap that’s at hand
            This friendship is perfected, so I'm 'a let 'em understand
            From a young T's perspective
            When it comes to my click you betta know that I'm selective.
            You never know, your friends could be from Iran,
            or drive a mini van, or be like that one bitch LeeAnn,
            Now you know I ain't wit that shit, Lieutenant
            I roll wit Keri and she has a house with puzzles up in it

Keri:    (yeah)

Taylor:  Now that's realer than real-deal Holyfield
            And now all you hookas and ho's know how I feel
            Well thats good enough so don’t be a chump
            Were 2 homies that talk funky stuff


Taylor and Keri:           It's like this and like that and like this and uh
                                    It's like that and like this and like that and uh
                                    It's like this, and we ain't got no love for psychos
                                    So jus' chill, 'til the next episode

And that's all I got.  Hope you all have a very happy and safe 31st!

Happy Halloween!!!