"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

-Jack Handy

Friday, March 7, 2014

Weeners, Wall Outlets and Canadian Wankers

What it do peeps?  If you're wondering where I've been, I too would like an answer.  I've been busier than a whorehouse on nickel night with seemingly nothin to show for it! I've had so many people lately ask when the next post will be...I just need like 3 extra hours each day that don't involve two screaming kids, obsessive never-ending questions about fascia and soffit and other house terms I don't understand, and the regular work, drive, cook, shower schedule of a normal day.  I miss blogging, after all over sharing is my catharsis. Well, ok over sharing and drinking. Ok, over sharing, drinking and consuming mass quantities of sugar. Over sharing, drinking, copious amounts of sugar, cussing, and...I think I've lost focus.
Back to what's been going on,  Drum roll please... the boys have found their penis!  Now every time we change a diaper we do the obligatory wiener check that consists of them making sure its still there, followed by a giant smile and me singing "Its my wiener, and I love it cause its my very own and I take it with me everywhere I go...etc."  (I can hardly wait to sing it to them when they are in high school!  I'm gunna be the most popular mom EVER.)  The unfortunate part is when Hatcher gets his tubby little claw corralling his worm and instead gets a handful of poo that he then smears on everything that shouldn't have poo on it. Like me.

In less penisy news, the boys have been sitting up like champs and eating solid foods. Hatcher particularly loves peaches:

Excuse me, do I have chicken on my face?
We literally had to suck chicken out of Jet's nose.  Delicious.

Meanwhile, the boys have also been teething, at the same damn time.  Jet just wants to be held 24/7, but Hatcher...for a full 48 hours he made baby gear rain...tossing all bottles, pacis and toys in his immediate vicinity with the gusto and uncanny strength of Hulk Hogan.  No amount of Tylenol, Anbesol, teething tablets or frozen teething rings were gunna make this kid happy...

"Whatcha gunna do mother, when Hatchermania runs wild on you?"   

We've also been building a house.  I recommend this process to no one.  My gosh, everyday is decision after decision of how many wall outlets and where should we put this drain and pipe and what kind of valve and color of hardware...and can you have an answer in 4 hours that you must live with forever, and also be an expert on things like Direct TV and also bring a check for one billion dollars.  I guess dealing with infertility issues, a few rounds of IVF, time in the NICU, and raising twins while working full time jobs isn't really stressful enough... We really like to test our marriage by adding another layer of shit. Luckily, I can be calmed by beer and chocolate and Evan with ice cream.  Stocked fridge = fantastic marriage.  You're welcome, I do counseling for free...

In my fleeting moments of free time (also known as time I should be doing laundry) I catch up an facebook.  I have an awesome friend (shout out to John Gyllin) who posted a lovely article on my page.  Short story- upon learning the captain of his flight was a female, this man, David, left a note on a napkin saying this:
 I feel the need to weigh in...
I have read the pilot handled it pretty professionally, good for her!  I would not have.  I likely would have stormed off the plane, down the concourse to find this lame ass individual.  I then would have taken out my whisky filled flask and thrown it in his face all Beverly Hills housewives style and shoved this napkin down his throat. Next I would have taken my confiscated box cutter, bent his ass over and castrated him to ensure he doesn't procreate a whole nuther generation of fucking morons. Then I would have shouted "I just went all Deuteronomy 23:1 on your ass...so suck it"...flipped my hair and walked off.
Deuteronomy 23:1 states that "No one whose testicles are cut off or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord." 
Later, after loosing my job and having an excessive amount of time on my hands, I would have sent him a letter...similar to this:
Dear David,

I see that you've sighted Proverbs 31 as your "proof" that women shouldn't fly airplanes...
This thing called the Bible, you aren't doing it right. Let me first say, I'm not a bible literalist. I believe Scripture is a product of the time it was written and the cultural contexts of that time don't coincide with modern day sensibilities.  Therefore, we should keep in mind that perspectives have changed (case and point, women are no longer property) and the message should be adjusted to coincide with today and the very basic understanding of equal rights. 
But for the sake of argument...I read this verse and took it word for word.  I happen to find it very supportive of women flying an "aeroplane".... (however I'm sure a man of this era would describe an aircraft as "God's wrath casting down a monstrously loud mass of thunder and fire that defied all logic and must be carried on the wings of angels..." or something of that nature.)

The following is Proverbs 31...the red text is my take:

 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.
2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb! Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!
3 Do not spend your strength[a] on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.
4 It is not for kings, Lemuel- it is not for kings to drink wine, not for rulers to crave beer,
5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed, and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
6 Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish!
7 Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.
8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
9 Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.
King Lemuel/probably king Solomon (also a polygamist, jus sayin) according to scholars...your mommy says not to drink and not to get too involved with a women because she wants to be your one and only.  But more importantly, judge fairly and be righteous... judging someone on their sex, race, color, religion, etc. is wrong.  Because just like your mama is telling you what to do ol' king.... everyone knows a woman runs this shit...at home and in the flight deck.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Damn straight
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
He is confident she can fly a plane, or do whatever else she chooses
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She lands safely
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
Eager to learn and maintain currency while sittin on the wool covered left seat, no doubt
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
Hello!  She's always in foreign countries bringing her man gifts, cause she FLYS THE PLANE THERE
15 She gets up while it is still night;   For the Red Eye she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants. Scratch that servant part...but she provides, with a paycheck, from the airline
16 She considers a field and buys it; Air-field? out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. Wine after hours (24 hrs bottle to throttle I'm positive)
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She's on that shit...and strong enough to pump the gear down in the event of a failure
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
She's good at it...she stays up to study the latest changes in the FAR/AIM
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
I don't know what the hell this is, but it sounds a lot like the yoke or stick
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
She even shakes the hands of the passengers in coach
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
Icy runways are no problemo- she works with professional flight attendants as well (both sexes)
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
AKA her Captain uniform...and wears it like a boss.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
Her hubs is no dummy, but even he knows who rules the roost, and it aint the old dudes (I might have taken some slight liberties with that one)
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She's not just a pilot, she is an excellent gift giver, among other things
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She pities a fool ....like David.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
"Jet 1234Romeo, cleared Little Rock as filed, runway heading, 4,000 expect 10,000 10 minutes after, departure freq 124.65 and squawk 2341."
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Aint nobody got time fo dat
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Jesus is my co-pilot
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Don't leave her nasty grams on a cocktail napkin you stupid bastard...she just brought your ass to the arrival gate safe and sound.

That's whats up David. 
And I'm sorry about your balls and not getting into heaven and all.

Respectfully in Love (because this saying negates all of the negative things I've just said),


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